Boats, Floats, Horses, Courses, Strokes, Folks

When you’re this bored and depressed and permanently sweaty, blogging anything more eloquent than a series of blehs becomes quite a challenge. I could regale you with thrilling tales of my afternoons on the couch watching whatever’s on Animal Planet (generally, too many proboscis monkeys), or go off on a rant about how Jamie Cullum makes jazz for lobotomy patients, or make dark statements about how if Fantasia Barrino doesn’t win American Idol there will be no truth, beauty or justice left in this world, but I really think it’s better for everyone if I do one of those links-as-substitutes-for-real-content posts, don’t you?

Here are some about porn.

I found this dictionary of Japanese porn perversions through Tamara’s livejournal, but it really needs to be shared with the world. To give you an idea of what’s apparently available to the average Japanese porn consumer, Fundoshi (women in traditional Sumo g-strings rolling around giving each other “really harsh wedgies”) is I guess fairly understandable, Pantsu To Kao involves putting panties which are several sizes too small over someone’s face so that they squish the nose, Shokku-shu kei involves tentacles, and Unagi (eels) may quite possibly no longer be my favourite Japanese dish.

People who know me should not be surprised that my favourite entries in The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles are the ones that involve really bad puns (on Hollywood movie titles). To this effect, I offer you “Big Trouble In Little Vagina” and “Sperms Of Endearment”. However, I acknowledge that some people may find more esoteric joys in “Let’s Play Anal Twister”, “Airtight Granny” and “Beyond The Valley Of The Ultra Milkmaids”.

Alec once told me a Simpsons quote where Homer meets Billy Corgan at some rock festival. Billy says “Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins”. Homer says “Homer Simpson, smiling politely.” The alternate title for this post should probably be “Michelle’s Readers, Smiling Politely.”

Do You Want Fries With That?

Given my recent tendency to make posts which embarrass my long-suffering boyfriend with their indecency, I put a lot of thought into writing an entry which was the very soul of propriety and restraint. But then I checked my referral logs and found I was number 2 on the Internet for, er, this.

A Rose By Any Other Name

An excerpt from a rather wide-ranging thread at ILE:

We say “intimate feminine area” these days, or at least the adverts for Vagilast Soothing Cream do.
— Sarah, March 15th, 2004.

surely the name vagilast defeats that
— strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.

though i’m not sure “vagisil” is any better
— strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.

it does make me think of genitals with a place to store your books and knick knacks
— strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.

Freudian Slit

Tamara posted the following comment in response to this entry at Little Yellow Different:

“Something similar happened when I went back to Singapore and tried to ask for “more chilli” in Chinese [after not speaking any in 2 years]. The mandrin is “lah jiao”, but I came up with “lan jiao”, Hokkien for dick, thereby begging the nice hawker stall lady for more dick. Nice.”

Bursting out in laughter in a quiet law library is rather embarrassing, as is walking down the hill to the bus stop later unable to keep one side of your mouth or the other from quirking upwards as you try to keep the broad grin off your face. In the first situation you either appear inconsiderate and attention-seeking, or just the weird person with no inner monologue who everyone else avoids unless they are unfortunately assigned to the same project group. In the second situation you either look lecherous, tic-laden or capable of inspiring New Paper (a Singapore tabloid) articles on Elvis living in Kent Ridge.

Note to self: remind Alec when he comes to Singapore that if he ever wants to order steamed chicken rice rather than roast, the correct term is “bai ji” (white chicken). Getting the words mixed up and asking for “ji bai” with an ang mor accent has great potential for disaster.

So anyway, thanks for that, Tamara. I’ll think of you the next time I feel tempted to appear like a total nutcase to the public at large.

Good To Know

From Sour Sweet (Timothy Mo) (Triad leader giving street fighting masterclass to his thugs.):

‘Untrained man’s instinct is to kick this – Golden Target,’ he indicated the 49’s groin. ‘Very difficult to do. In fighting one is always conscious of the need to protect this spot. It is best to attack the groin with your hand – either Dragon fist,’ – he raised the proximal phalangeal joints of his left hand above the knuckles like two horns and executed a short uppercut just short of the 49’s testicles – ‘or grab them and pull. Incapacitates totally…Note: your opponent’s penis lies in front of and protects his testicles. His yang can save him. Deliver the kick like this.’ He tapped the instep of his foot just above the buckle of the crocodile shoe. ‘Drive upward, not forward. Short-range kick. It squashes a man’s testicles against the pubis. No protection. Even better to use knee-ram instead of foot.’

Iron Plank said: ‘Listen carefully. You hear secrets of a master.’

Insert Crude Obvious Punny Title Here

I was going to write about my steady progress at Chinese karaoke, but really, my trials and tribulations with Eason Chan’s The King Of Karaoke and Stephanie Sun’s Ti Or Or are simply far less amusing than the towering pinnacle of comedy that is the chee bai song. (Translation of “chee bai” here.)

I should clarify: that isn’t actually its name. It has a perfectly normal name in Chinese, which probably means something sappy and innocuous like Our Love Endures Through The Seasons or Without Your Love I May Be Heartbroken But At Least I Can Sing Really Sad Songs About My Loss And Look Suitably Vulnerable In The Video, but after last Sunday it is forever The Chee Bai Song to me.

This is how it goes. It’s simple but effective. They (Terry and pal) sing this sappy ballad with great feeling, but substitute “chee bai” at appropriate parts. So:

“Wo xian zai deng dai ni de hui lai” (I am waiting for your return) becomes
“Wo xian zai deng dai ni de chee bai” (I am waiting for your cunt).

At the big chorus:
“Leng leng de bing yu zai lian shang hu luan de pai” (Cold cold icy rain haphazardly slaps my face) becomes
“Leng leng de chee bai zai lian shang hu luan de pai” (Cold cold icy cunt haphazardly slaps my face).

And so on. You kind of have to be there.

Mind you, their subversive approach to karaoke classics isn’t merely confined to the world of Chinese balladry. A rendition of Boyz II Men’s I’ll Make Love To You went something like “I’ll make love to you/Like you want me to/And I’ll hold you tight/Fuck you RIGHT FROM BEHIND I’ll make love to you etc.”

First belly-laughs in a long while, which probably says something less than flattering about me or my sense of humour.

Swahili Newcastle Porn Boobs

It strikes me that these two recent search requests leading to my site (not this one, Ineffable) are at different extremes of the obscurity spectrum.

If you’re from the UK, no prizes for guessing which one I think you can find easily enough without having to use an Internet search engine. Buy her a drink and they’re yours!

(And just like that, she insulted all of North English womanhood.)

Titular Titterings

When I imported my Blogger content into Movable Type, titles were automatically generated for all my posts from the first five words of each post. I didn’t realize the comic potential of this immediately, but while trying out my new search function I typed in “Alec” and was presented with an array of posts, including those with the following (mostly rather misleading) “titles”:

I’d initially been really excited
I’m less than satisfied with
Alec takes issue with my
Alec does strange things with
I got called a cunt
I admit it, I’m stuck
So there I was, suffering
And today it all ended

Tee hee. It’s almost poetic! (Am I the only one this amuses?) (For the benefit for any friends I haven’t talked to in a while who may start getting worried, don’t worry, we’re still very happily together.)

While doing other administrative exploration, I found this other title I rather like:

Another very short update: am.

Spunky

After a day of studying international trade law, it is immensely refreshing to meet friends for dinner and learn from Jeff that there is a Bollywood movie called Jism.

While we’re on the topic I must also alert you to a recent important scientific discovery. The last paragraph in particular is a real breakthrough.

In yet another related story, I’m pleased to see that scientists at UCL are maintaining its international standing as a serious research institution.

Can you tell I’m bored?

Female Prayer/Male Prayer

Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he’ll call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh!
Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.

Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.