Mood Music

We’re having a girly afternoon in the flat. Chicken in broth is simmering on the stove. I insist on playing Tamara N’Sync’s a capella versions of Last Christmas and This I Promise You that Avril recently downloaded. Tamara loves them as much as I do. We go through a long playlist of sappy R&B. We gush about how much we love All My Life (K-Ci & Jo-Jo). We gush about how talented we think N’Sync are. Halfway through No One Comes Close To you (Joe), Tamara decides she’s starting to feel a bit too loved up and needs a change of mood. Cue Fuck All Night (Jay-Z), followed by No Panties (Trina and Tweet).

I Guess Chuck Palahniuk Thinks I’m A Loser

From Fight Club (Chuck Palahniuk):

‘My tiny life. My little shit job. My Swedish furniture. I never, no, never told anyone this, but before I met Tyler, I was planning to buy a dog and name it “Entourage.”

This is how bad your life can get.’

I suppose it says something about me that I think the dog’s name is brilliant.

Flat Chronicles: Shit Moving Day

Today has been designated official Shit Moving Day.

The enema will begin from Russ’s attic, potentially include Alec’s bedroom floor, and ultimately end in my new flat.

There are far too many dumb cracks (oops, there goes the first one) I could be making here about loads, piles, boxes, messes, etc. but I’ll hold back. Recently I inadvertently disgusted Alec when, while talking about the latest cast lineup for the Vagina Monologues, I described it as “really scraping the bottom of the barrel.” Perhaps I should try to move myself on to higher forms of wit.

Star Wars Cockney Rhyming Slang

On Wednesday morning Xfm was giving out Attack Of The Clones tickets (still can’t say that without making it into ATTACK!!!! of the clones) for the best Star Wars Cockney rhyming-slang listeners could come up with. One guy’s contribution was “Imperial Fleet”, to be used in the context of “let’s go into the bedroom and I’ll show you my Imperial Fleet”. Another guy called up later, suggesting “Trade Federation”, which is “something you can do with your Imperial Fleet”.

They Should Have Achtunged, Baby

Other notable snippets from the weekend include overhearing the Columbian priest staying in my hall discussing terrorism in his country – “Oh, the FARC, it is terrible…” – sorry, childish, I know, and Mark’s (see entry for Monday, 13 May) references to my metaphysical chastity belt when discussing the Channel 4 documentary on Nazi homophobia.

The boy continues to misunderstand. My point, flippantly made, was that surely shagging while you are an NS soldier in Nazi Germany meant to be on duty patrolling the forest, is a dereliction of duty whoever or whatever you’re shagging, especially if you are supposed to be devoting your entire being to serving the Fuhrer rather than servicing Lieutenant Bigschtaff. But enough said on the topic. Mark’s just a slag. :P

The Joke Was Funnier Before I Got It

Esther told me this joke:
Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?
A: Wassup B?

In the split-second before I realized the answer was referring to wasabe, I thought it was just one of those really pointless jokes descended from the road-crossing chicken, and in that split-second the joke was hilarious.

One Liners + Poetry Jumble

Newsmax.com’s daily updated archive of one-liners from late night American talk show monologues is an invaluable service to the Lenoless and Conancraving worldwide. Continuing in the vein of shallow low-brow things that I unashamedly enjoy, I watch these on cable in Singapore, and was sorely missing them last night when I lost ten minutes of my life to Jonathan Ross and his mission of boredom.

  • The U.S. military says that even though Osama bin Laden may have left Afghanistan, they will continue to bomb as long as Geraldo is there. – Leno
  • If you don’t laugh, that means the terrorists have won. – Leno
  • The Olympic Torch completed its 13,000-mile journey tonight in Utah. Unfortunately, local Mormons thought the torch was a cigarette butt and stomped it out. – Conan
  • Next week on Sesame Street they are going to air a series of shows to explain the war on terrorism to kids. That’s a good idea. This also explains why Oscar The Grouch is being held in a trash can on Guantanamo Bay. – Conan
  • Happy New Year! If you’re watching this at home, you are having one lame party! – Conan
  • Osama bin Laden is planning a televised suicide. I call that hosting the Academy Awards. – Letterman

Rather less low-brow is plagiarist.com, which has a pretty damn fantastic range of poetry available, including many favourites I haven’t put up here [my old site] yet.

Try some e.e. cummings if you never have, and even if you have make sure you’ve read these:

Variation On The Word Sleep and Postcards are Margaret Atwood discoveries which remind me I really must go buy some of her poetry, despite not always being keen on her prose (loved A Handmaid’s Tale, abandoned Alias Grace, am somehow completely uninterested in A Robber Bride).

At Least Nobody Threw Haggis (Burns Day 2002)

At least nobody threw haggis, even at this joke (slightly modified from how it was delivered):

The other day, my friend told me she’d just received a delivery of a dozen red roses from her boyfriend. “I suppose this means I’ll have to be spending the weekend with my legs in the air,” she said. “Surely you have a vase?” I said, bemused.

As I said, at least nobody threw haggis. Small mercies.

Onion Gems

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With:
“For example, we know that the mastermind has the approximate personality of a terrorist,” Gramm said. “Also, he is senseless. New data is emerging all the time.”

President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation’s Ballad Singers:
In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. “To America’s recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering,” Bush said. “The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled ‘One For All.'”

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz:
“The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz…”Mad props to P. Diddy, Jay-Z, DMX, Lil’ Kim, Mystikal, Eve, Ja Rule, Jadakiss, Trick Daddy, and Xzibit. And one love to Meth, RZA, GZA, Ghostface, and the rest of My real niggaz in the Wu-Tang Clan,” the deity said. “These My beloved niggaz, with whom I be well-pleased.”

Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank:
“Though hopes are high for Ethniklashistan – a name created by a team of linguists who combined 17 different languages’ words for “sanctuary” – the establishment of the new homeland has proven rocky. Of the more than 500,000 people relocated there so far, approximately 97 percent have responded with violent resistance, swearing oaths of eternal vengeance against U.N. volunteers conducting the forced relocations.”