Onion Gems

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With:
“For example, we know that the mastermind has the approximate personality of a terrorist,” Gramm said. “Also, he is senseless. New data is emerging all the time.”

President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation’s Ballad Singers:
In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. “To America’s recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering,” Bush said. “The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled ‘One For All.'”

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz:
“The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz…”Mad props to P. Diddy, Jay-Z, DMX, Lil’ Kim, Mystikal, Eve, Ja Rule, Jadakiss, Trick Daddy, and Xzibit. And one love to Meth, RZA, GZA, Ghostface, and the rest of My real niggaz in the Wu-Tang Clan,” the deity said. “These My beloved niggaz, with whom I be well-pleased.”

Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank:
“Though hopes are high for Ethniklashistan – a name created by a team of linguists who combined 17 different languages’ words for “sanctuary” – the establishment of the new homeland has proven rocky. Of the more than 500,000 people relocated there so far, approximately 97 percent have responded with violent resistance, swearing oaths of eternal vengeance against U.N. volunteers conducting the forced relocations.”