Store-Naming Genius

From E|a:
“I once had plans to open a store called “The Ottoman Empire” which exclusively sold ottomans.”

The Rub

From a phone conversation with Ida:

Ida: I left most of my clothes in London so I have nothing to wear tonight.
Me: Borrow something from one of your sisters?
Ida: I can’t, my sisters don’t dress like sluts.

Dear Mama

My mother called me yesterday during her lunch break. She’d come across a cheap CD sale and was wondering whether I wanted anything. I got her to read out CD titles, and stopped her eagerly when she read “Outkast. With a K. Stankonia. I have no idea which is the artist and which is the album.”

Just to make sure, I got her to read out track names, so my fifty-nine-year-old mother was standing in this CD store reading “I’ll Call Before I Come” and “We Luv Deez Hoez” into the phone. I don’t think she quite knew what she was saying, but I hurriedly told her it was the right CD before she got to “Gangsta Shit“.

Hymn

In church yesterday, while we were singing Let There Be Peace On Earth, a fighter plane passed overhead, emitting the sort of absolutely earth-shaking roar that reverberates in your sternum and the bones of your face and compels all life beneath the plane to stop during its passage because of the sheer impossibility of doing anything else while the air is pure noise.

So for about ten seconds, there was nothing but this uncompromising swell of sound, ravaging pristine church air while the mouths of the choirmembers doggedly continued forming the words Let There Be Peace On Earth, and I started giggling helplessly.

Sonic Nursing

My sister deals with personnel in the Ministry of Health, and part of her job includes promoting the nursing profession – overseeing scholarship schemes, running advertising campaigns, stuff like that.

Today she had a sudden flash of inspiration, while we were listening to the Kings’ Singers do Wind Beneath My Wings (it wasn’t great, but their rendition of Live And Let Die was very much worse) – perhaps the nursing profession could do with a theme song!

I made several suggestions.

  • Bad Medicine
  • Sexual Healing
  • Knocking On Heaven’s Door
  • Breathe Again
  • Died In Your Arms Tonight

I don’t know why she wasn’t more receptive.

Know Your Enema

One of my hallmates just started work at a porn shop in Camden (he needs the money to pay his fees for his theology degree). On his first day at work, he wasn’t quite sure of the right price of a certain enema kit to enter into the till, and asked a co-worker for help.

Unfortunately for the nervously shifting customer, help consisted of the co-worker going to the enema section and shouting things like “Right, what’s this enema kit called exactly?” very loudly across the shop.

I guess you just can’t get good customer service anywhere these days.