Downing Street Fighter

This is ridiculous. I should be writing an essay about comparative hate speech jurisprudence. Instead, I am Michael Portillo, Downing Street Fighter. In a blaze of Tory glory I kicked the arses of Charles Kennedy and Robin Cook against backdrops of first the London Underground and then a pyre of dead cows. Unfortunately, Iain Duncan Smith just KO’d me in the streets of Belfast in front of an Orange Order march. How very embarrassing. I’ll beat you another day, bald boy.

[Thanks for the link, John. Here’s another one you might enjoy.]

Traitor

The July issue of Glamour is out, and as I peruse its glossy pages (courtesy of Tamara, household supplier) I grapple again with the fact that I am a traitor to my sex.

I’m not meek or submissive. I don’t buy the whole “surrendered wife” thing, neither do I believe in The Rules. I certainly believe a woman can have a successful career and be a great wife and mother at the same time, and should be allowed to do so. No, my friends, my betrayal goes beyond such peripheral issues to strike at the very core of womanhood: I prefer sensible, comfortable shoes to silly pretty ones.

I run screaming from any shoe heel that isn’t at least as wide as, well, my heel. No hobbling around on mildly obese pins for me. I like walking the streets knowing I could charge after a snatch thief or sprint for the bus if I had to. I insist on clubbing in shoes I can actually dance in rather than twitch awkwardly from side to side. I acknowledge that stiletto heels look elegant and feminine, but do not think I would look particularly elegant or feminine while shuffling along screaming in pain from my blistered feet and falling down frequently. Of course, there is the argument that many women the world over manage to spend the day striding around in 6 inch heels, which may also include breaking into the Kremlin and acrobatic sex depending on whether or not they’re in a Bond movie, but I just wasn’t born with that gene, okay?

While we’re on the topic of shoes and betraying my sex, I’m not even sure if I’m normal as regards numbers. According to Glamour I am meant to have cupboards overflowing with them. I have a small shoe rack from Argos with space left over on its top tier for two (sickly) houseplants. Here is the extent of my consternation – under a rarely-felt impulse to make too much information available to the world, I hereby list the contents of my shoe rack and ask fellow females (male views welcome too, unless you’re Alec who already makes his views on my shoes all too clear) out there to comment on my normality.

  • Dark grey slip-on trainers (Acupuncture), bought for £50 in my first year in college and worn pretty much every day since then. My shoe of choice for clubbing and holidays where I spend hours walking.
  • Black lace-up trainers (Nike) for my rare attempts at land-based exercise.
  • Red lace-up casual shoes (Mango) which I love because they’re red.
  • Light grey slip-ons (some cheapie brand, I think they cost $20) with lines in orange. Rip-offs of those types of trainer that hug the shape of the foot extremely closely.
  • Khaki casual rubber-soled slip-ons with two stripes, one navy blue and one burgundy (Shelly’s). They look better than this description makes them sound, I promise. Current favourites given that I am going through a brown phase.
  • Chocolate brown strappy open-toed shoes with slightly chunky 2.5 inch heels.
  • White strappy open-toed shoes with 2.5 inch heels.
  • White slouchy sandals with subtle leaf detail and a sort of toe strap (I really need to read more girly mags to bone up on the lingo)
  • Black courts with ankle strap, heels about 2.5 inches.
  • Black strappy evening shoes, 2.5 inch heels
  • Silver strappy evening shoes, 3 inch heels
  • Dark purple punk whore boots, a Christmas present from Alec a month and a half after we started going out.

Despite the fact that I think this is a veritable shitload of shoes, apparently I am meant to own more, and they’re meant to be sillier. It’s so hard being a girl.

Nick Cave (Hammersmith Apollo, London, June 2003)

There are many sorts of gig.

Sometimes a gig’s in a small dingy bar, you’re all about three feet from the band, who is unknown and always will be because face it, they’re mediocre, and people in the front are taking bets on what deodorant (if any) the drummer uses. You’re having a good time partly because the bands are, and mostly because you’re drunk.

Sometimes you’re a notch higher, somewhere equally small but with ventilation and candles and organic ales and bands you have actually heard of, although this isn’t because they’re actually famous, it’s just because you spend way too much time reading music sites on the Internet. After the set, the band still steps off the foot-high stage, buys pints, and mingles with the crowd. I like these gigs. You get at least three bands for less than the price of an album, and you get to feel all indie until you make the mistake of trying to chat to the bands, at which point you make some horribly embarrassing remark and spend the rest of the evening alternately crippled and tickled by your own idiocy. (Okay, so the last bit of this may just be me.)

And then sometimes you see Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds at the Hammersmith Apollo.

I’ve been trying, since we saw him on Friday, to write something here that would do the show justice, that would be able to go beyond recitation of a setlist to actually evoking what it was like to be me, so overwhelmed by the power of The Mercy Seat that I was actually on the point of tears. Today I admit defeat – I can’t come up with the review I want to write, I can only churn out badly phrased, probably cliched stream-of-consciousness impressions of two songs amazingly performed, and tack on bits here and there about the rest. So here goes. It’s all a bit convoluted.

He started with Wonderful Life from the new album, sounding overwrought and a bit off-tune and I was suddenly worried I’d just wasted £23, sucked in by a Big Name who could no longer deliver. But then the next song was Red Right Hand, which started off almost playful and loungy, Nick almost whispering “He’s a god, he’s a man, he’s a ghost, he’s a guru” like a conspiratorial secret-sharing, the chorus section surprisingly sedate (I don’t remember even hearing the bell), which made it all the more climactic by the time he was spitting “You’re a microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan, designed and directed by his RED RIGHT HAND” with crashing bells, flashing red lights and pounding piano, and at that point I stopped worrying.

Then West Country Girl and a beautiful ballad I didn’t know, Hallelujah, Do You Love Me, Bring It On (a real clunker from the new album, and the low point of the gig for me), Henry Lee (which lost something in its conversion to stage rawk – snarling “La la la la la” just didn’t really work very well as compared to dueting liltingly with PJ Harvey on the album version), Still In Love With You, Watching Alice.

Then he sat down at the piano and started playing something that sounded like it would be a ballad, until he sang “It began when they come took me from my home and put me on Dead Row” and oh my God, it was The Mercy Seat, but dramatically slowed down and every word carrying a horror and power surpassing anything I ever felt listening to the record. Halfway through, the pace started to quicken, tension started to build, I sat transfixed on the edge of my seat as lights flashed, the tragedy unfolded, the violin screeched like a demented banshee (I really must go get a Dirty Three album, if that was Warren Ellis, he was fantastic), and always that voice, thundering in the middle of the storm: “And the mercy seat is waiting. And I think my head is burning.” But somewhere something’s got to give, eventually the condemned man’s spasms too must cease; we gradually returned to the slow ominous gloom of the piano, he sang the final chorus with its agonizing, infuriating last line, then black out, and I sat in the darkness with heart racing, a lump in my throat, and goose-pimples.

Another song I didn’t know. Then From Her To Eternity, Wild World, and they left the stage. We screamed, stamped, whistled and clapped for ages. They came back, played Into My Arms and Tupelo, and left. We screamed, stamped, whistled and clapped for ages. They came back and sang He Wants You and Deanna, and this time it was the last time, and as we left the venue I worried briefly that Califone at the Spitz (gig venue category: small, arty, candles etc.) this Friday would pale in comparison.

What I like most about Nick Cave on record was displayed in abundance seeing him live – his strong versatile voice capable of both punk shrieking and intimate balladeering. What I didn’t realize about the Bad Seeds on record came across blindingly clearly live – they’re a bloody fantastic band, and delivered every song with more depth and texture than I ever noticed on the record (this is incredibly rare in my opinion – most bands struggle just to sound as good as they do on record, and many fail to do even that).

This year has really been a gig goldmine for me, and this was another one to treasure.

Purchase Notes (7 CDs)

From Django last week:

  • Wilco: Being There
  • Unwound: Single History 1991-1997
  • Magoo: Vote The Pacifist Ticket Today
  • Aereogramme: Sleep And Release

From CD-WOW this week:

  • Radiohead: Hail To The Thief (I forked out £2 more for the limited edition version with special packaging. I know that’s sad sucker behaviour, but I figured I’m already forking out over £100 to go see them in Italy, and another £2 makes little difference to my sad geekness)
  • Four Tet: Rounds
  • Mogwai: Happy Songs For Happy People

Somebody please stop me.

Living The Plan

On Tuesday, I had a great time out with Benny at Singapore Sling (Hainanese chicken rice, kangkong belachan and chin chow!) and Vinyl Addiction (whoever was DJing there the night of Tuesday June 3, you played one of the most enjoyable sets I’ve ever heard, but unfortunately despite telling you so, I never got your name. Anyway, you rock.)

On Wednesday with Russ I ate sushi in a park and loved the Saatchi Gallery. At night I met Zakir, Chris and Ben (three friends from Singapore on fleeting visits to London) and realized halfway through my jerk chicken that apart from these three lovely chaps there are still many more friends in Singapore I will be having equally good times with when I get back, which gave that dastardly departure depression a sizable whack.

Today I had dinner with Alec on the pavement outside Thai Metro and some good cider in the Fitzroy Tavern and missed him dreadfully the minute we said good night.

When I was not doing all these things, I was attending classes, researching an essay, studying my arse off, not eating or drinking enough, cleaning the flat, feeling generally run-down.

I think the plan outlined yesterday is still fundamentally sound. I just have to figure out how to live this hard without fraying at the edges.

23F ISO Almost Happy Ending

I guess you could call it some sort of epiphany. It came on Sunday while I was at mass, as important realizations often do. People who know me may have sensed that I’ve been hearing the clock ticking quite loudly these days, that there is an ever-growing sense of dread in me about the return to Singapore that I increasingly fail to beat back. But on Sunday something changed, subtly. Vague clouds of negativity parted, and I started to feel as if I just have to decide what I want out of these last few months here, and then get sorted and make it happen.

I want to put a decent amount of work into studying for the final stretch of this Masters, because it would simply be stupid to do so well all my life and then flop at this last hurdle out of sheer disorganization. I want to spend time with dear friends I’m going to be leaving, and I want to have studied hard enough on those days so that our time together can be then spent free from study-based guilt or stress from me. I want to spend time with London so I can leave with enough memories of her to last me the years away. I know I can make all this happen if I just decide to stop being lazy.

I want a good ending. I think happy is unlikely, although if it happens I obviously won’t try to convince myself otherwise. I want to leave knowing I lived my life in England to the full right up to the very end, not just by whim or happenstance, but by design, verve, and doing the right thing by myself and everyone I’ve loved here.

Rollerblading/Jerry Sadowitz

Somewhere between the ages of fourteen and now, I learnt fear and became a crap rollerblader. Six hours of rollerblading in Hyde Park on Saturday, and not once did I dare to attempt a jump, my right cross-turns were pathetically tentative, and minor terrain changes like stepping off curbs to cross roads rendered me pussy-footed and nervous.

But long straight stretches still felt like flying, and taking off the skates still brought that old sensation of disappointment and flat-footedness. I’d love to pick up skating again, but I have too little time left here and too much heat rash in Singapore. Sigh.

We returned the skates, noted degrees of sunburn (Brian: considerable, Alec: noticeable tanning but no burn, me: just a deeper shade of yellow), and headed to the pub to rehydrate before going to Soho to watch Jerry Sadowitz do card tricks and be incredibly offensive. The above link describes how he once won a bet with fellow comedians by going on stage and saying “Nelson Mandela, what a cunt.”

A blazing day.

Honesty For Dumbasses: A Glamour Magazine Quiz

Page 42, the June issue of Glamour. Question 3 of a quiz described as “You Golden-Tongued Devil! (How to make anybody do anything by talking straight)”: At a dinner party, a Ralph Fiennes type asks what you think of the USA’s policy in Israel. You’re worried about showing your ignorance, so you:

A: Waffle with conviction
B: Say you can see both the Israeli and Palestinian point of view (even though you know neither)
C: Say, “I really don’t know for sure what the USA’s policy is”

The correct answer is apparently C. “In reality, what we don’t know completely outweighs what we do know about the world. People will respect your honesty.”

It didn’t perhaps occur to the writer of this quiz that some Glamour readers may actually have an informed view on US policy in Israel? I agree unreservedly that what I don’t know about the world completely outweighs what I do, but this is hardly an obscure issue. Anyone who reads the newspapers and has a modicum of intelligence should be able to put a view forward that doesn’t involve ignorance.

Mind you, if he really was a Ralph Fiennes type, I expect I’d be too entranced by his piercing blue eyes and noble, brooding brow to even register what he was saying to me at all, so I’m not sure what I’ve just been trying to prove.

Random summer-based meanderings

Random summer-based meanderings:

  • If you’re fat, for God’s sake dress to suit your shape. Fat legs in short skirts are repulsive. I know some angry fat person is going to chew me out for this, and say everyone should be able to wear whatever the hell they want and comments like mine are exactly the sort that perpetuate unhealthy body images in women etc. but yo, I have a flat chest and a big arse, so I don’t wear cleavage-baring tops or hotpants, it’s that simple.
  • Why are people in Tube station lifts unable to understand the principles of proper lift-space distribution? The people who enter first are virtually lolling around on deckchairs while the people who enter last have to become intimately acquainted with each other’s bodily crevices. Not nice on a hot day.
  • Do you think I could rig up superhuge loudspeakers on hot-air balloons all over London and play Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger simultaneously on all of them just so everyone could experience its stereo perfection, and possibly it would stimulate the economy with its inspirational message or at the very least have everyone doing the robot? No? Cynics.

Lazy Bank Holiday

A Bank Holiday weekend, and my first weekend in a while of actually doing nothing, as opposed to hanging upside down in fairground rides in Brighton, or climbing hills in the Lake District.

Lazy breakfast (and I do mean lazy – it ended at 3!) on Saturday in Goodfellas Deli on Lamb’s Conduit Street. Watching jawdropping feats of inline skatery in Hyde Park, remembering that old love and resolving to go skating some time soon; resolving to also bring Alec so as not to be the crappest skater in the park. Dinner and brief foray into Eurovision madness (I liked Norway) before heading out to meet Russ for Breakin’ Bread at the Rhythm Factory, which had mouthfuls of goodness (a spate of classics I never get tired of, including Sound Of Da Police and Witness; also, watching breakdancers always fills me with awe) among larger morsels of tedium (a bit too much jazzy/funky old skool which could get monotonous for me, some of the less successful attempts in the open-mic MCing session); all in all, a good club night, though not the best I’ve had.

Lazy breakfast (and I do mean lazy – it ended at 5!!!) on Sunday. Mass, dinner, and the rather harrowing Kids, which I was glad to finally have watched, and was not disappointed by, but will never watch again.

A break from tradition on Monday, where breakfast was somewhat earlier so we could get to Kew Gardens in good time for maximum tweeness. Lying on the grass after lunch, somewhere in between picking an insect off Alec and straining to understand Ada or Ardor, I fell asleep. Later in Richmond, we rowed on the Thames and ate on a barge and were very happy.

And today back to work.