I guess you could call it some sort of epiphany. It came on Sunday while I was at mass, as important realizations often do. People who know me may have sensed that I’ve been hearing the clock ticking quite loudly these days, that there is an ever-growing sense of dread in me about the return to Singapore that I increasingly fail to beat back. But on Sunday something changed, subtly. Vague clouds of negativity parted, and I started to feel as if I just have to decide what I want out of these last few months here, and then get sorted and make it happen.
I want to put a decent amount of work into studying for the final stretch of this Masters, because it would simply be stupid to do so well all my life and then flop at this last hurdle out of sheer disorganization. I want to spend time with dear friends I’m going to be leaving, and I want to have studied hard enough on those days so that our time together can be then spent free from study-based guilt or stress from me. I want to spend time with London so I can leave with enough memories of her to last me the years away. I know I can make all this happen if I just decide to stop being lazy.
I want a good ending. I think happy is unlikely, although if it happens I obviously won’t try to convince myself otherwise. I want to leave knowing I lived my life in England to the full right up to the very end, not just by whim or happenstance, but by design, verve, and doing the right thing by myself and everyone I’ve loved here.