And The Winner Is…

…Rene, who wrote a really sweet sincere email about what this blog has given her over the years. I loved all the jokes everyone contributed, really I did, but in the end, being told that my blog actually meant something to somebody, and had done for several years, was what gave me the biggest and happiest smile. Sappy but true.

[Original post and competition rules]

So congratulations Rene, and thank you so much to everyone else who gave it a shot. I’m pretty happy with how this competition turned out, so I might try it again in the future if an appropriate giveaway object presents itself.

Till next time, let me leave you with a story:

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He asks for a pint of lager. The bartender says “Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

“Yeah, had that for a while now,” the guy says.

So the bartender says “How did that happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I was in this old junk shop,” the guy explains, “and I found a lamp. I gave it a rub, and this genie appeared! He offered me the standard three wishes, so for my first wish, I asked for every woman I’d ever meet to fall madly in love with me. The genie waved his genie hands around and suddenly every woman was looking at me with sparkling eyes. For my second wish, I asked for a wallet with a million quid in it, which would never be lost or destroyed, and which would replenish itself whenever I spent any money. And my wish was granted.”

“And the third?” the bartender prompted, leaning forward eagerly.

“And for my third wish,” the guy said, “I said I wanted half my head to be a big orange.”


  1. Congrats Rene! Whomever you are. I bet Michelle made you up just so she didn’t have to give it to anyone! You’re devious, Michelle.

    So like this guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, and he orders a pint, and the ostrich orders a pint, and the cat says “I’d have a pint but I don’t want to have to pay.” And they drink their pints. And then the guy orders another pint, and the ostrich orders another pint, and the cat says “I’d have a pint but I don’t want to have to pay.” And they drink their pints. This goes on for several more rounds before the bartender can’t take it anymore – he goes up to the guy and says,

    “Look, mate, what’s going on here? Why are you here with an ostrich and a cat who keeps saying he wants a drink but won’t pay?”

    And the guy says, “You see, what it is, right, I was on this desert island, and I found a lamp, and I rubbed it, and this genie appeared. And he told me I could have one wish. So I told him I wanted him to take me off this desert island and put me someplace where I could have drinks with a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

  2. Hello Jol, thank you very much but Michelle so didn’t make me up! However, I’ve a little problem… I am a she. :)

    And my mum still don’t believe me when I told her that whenever I attend seminars/conferences, I always have nametags that read, “Mr” instead of “Miss”.

    Thank you, Michelle.

  3. Mich, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is hands down the FUCKING FUNNIEST JOKE I’ve read in ages. I was alone when I read it and I STILL LAUGHED OUT LOUD. It’s that good. I love such pomo humour. From today, it shall become my standard reply to “so Don, do you have a joke?”-type situations. If they laugh, hurrah; if they don’t, still hurrah because I can be smug inside knowing I am smarter than them. (hee hee)

  4. I gotta disagree. My brother told me that joke in august and it pissed me the hell off. Bah humbug.

    “What do you call a pig with three eyes?”

    “A piiig”

    (said out loud, obviously)

    THAT is a joke.

  5. Sorry Laces, with all due respeck and speaking for myself only, I still don’t think “piiig” is as funny as “orange”, because the former is a pun and puns can only be so funny.

    Or maybe I’ve just been hearing too many corny jokes from my classmates lately.

  6. Rene: I’ve replaced the offending “him” in the post with a “her”. I’m so sorry for the mistake! The content of your email didn’t reveal any definite gender, and I’ve always been under the impression that boys are Rene and girls are Renee (e.g. Zellweger, and that song Just Walk Away Renee). For what it’s worth, I think this little confusion is quite amusingly relevant to the prize you’re receiving, given its author’s own recent genderbending tendencies. :)

    Laces: Love the piiig joke, I just wish you’d told it to me offline. Now I can’t tell it to any of my friends who read this blog.

    Don: What’s “pomo” humour?

  7. Pomo = Postmodern. I regard the orange joke as postmodern because it problematises the ordinary syntax of jokes (the third wish isn’t him fucking up his first two wishes–yet it’s still funny), and subversively deconstructs the barrier between the laugher and the laughed at.

    People who don’t know me: don’t worry, I don’t normally speak or write like that. But the above is true innit?

  8. Michelle, was not offended at all because it happens to me all the time. And when I read your post, I was amused to no end too considering the author’s unique identity!

    That’s what I mean by your words articulating my thoughts… :)

  9. the orange one was a good one. :)

    ooh ooh i have a dyslexic joke!!

    “One day, this man walks into a bra.” :P

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