Tooting My Moot Horn

Okay. Some positivity just scampered up and blew a raspberry at some of the stuff I wrote below.

I won the moot, despite having to argue an unwinnable point of law. I’m now in the finals of the competition.

This is exceptionally sweet, firstly because I did actually spend the past couple of days killing myself for this moot. I might try this advance preparation thang again in future. It was hell while it lasted, but once the moot itself began, and the judge started asking me how I had the audacity to argue against all existing authority, the fun began. Confrontations and battles of wits are my fetish. They give me mojo.

It also makes my entire effort in this competition worthwhile. I don’t actually like mooting, but I had to take part in the competition again this year, because I lost in the quarter-finals last year to people I didn’t respect intellectually, judged by a judge I didn’t respect intellectually either. She didn’t ask me any questions during my speech, and chucked me out of the competition without ever giving me the chance to show that I could stand up to questioning, which is a crucial requirement of successful mooting.

Well. You were wrong, bitch. Don’t come watch me in the finals, because you’re not invited.

Other (and less nastily expressed) sources of positivity are people who did give a damn. Oliver abandoned his own work to help me last night, replying to my guilty “Oh, please don’t bother with this if you’re busy” protestations with “Fuck my company law essay, this is much more important.” Esther took on the job of moot clerk, which involves two hours of incredible tedium, requires brute strength in hefting musty law reports around, and can only be a labour of love for anyone who subjects themself to it. Nick text messaged support and good wishes.

I might well feel depressed again some time soon, but for now I’m gonna go back to my room, read e.e. cummings and listen to Built To Spill. Yeah.

Sometimes Everything Is Wrong

God, you know you’ve hit new lows of patheticness (pathos? No, I want to emphasize the fact that I view this state of mind as pathetic and discomforting, and something to be gotten over as soon as possible) when you put on Automatic For The People, and for the first time, ever, Everybody Hurts strikes an emotional chord with you.

I am currently an annoyed and unwilling poster child for human frailty. An old and unconquered fear murmurs and shifts in its sleep, and I’m tiptoeing round it for fear of rousing it from dormancy.

What if people don’t care about me anywhere as much as I care about them…
Oh get over it, Michelle, you know that’s irrational and insecure and girly and un-Michellian.
Hey, I can prove it. I realized today that out of the good friends I bought Christmas presents for, not one of them bothered with anything for me.
Hmmm. You might have a point there.

This is the problem. My normal font thoughts usually stomp all over the wimpy italicized ones. But not these days.

Here’s another problem. I have a semi-final moot in three hours. I have had two hours of sleep. I have had to spend the morning pretending to be interested in the Commonwealth, of all things. The last thing I need right now is all this normal human being type emotional claptrap.

3 CDs & Some Wishful Gig-Thinking

More money spent at Django, hooray, alas, whatever!

Death Cab For Cutie: We Have The Facts And We’re Voting Yes
Starlight Mints: The Dream That Stuff Was Made Of
Kruder & Dorfmeister: The K & D Sessions

The first two are for me, and the third’s for Nick, who turns 21 on March 29, and I hope hope hope he doesn’t go and buy it for himself before then.

A scrounge through the latest Time Out in Budgens revealed more gigs I’d really like to go to but’ll probably end up missing, primarily for lack of company:

Sunny Day Real Estate, March 6
Low, March 22
Yo La Tengo, April 10
Stephen Malkmus, April 17
Sigur Ros, April 24

I may well do a repeat of my Flaming Lips/Built To Spill/Wheat/Smashing Pumpkins lone woman experience for Yo La Tengo and Stephen Malkmus, but it really isn’t much fun. Sigh. All I really want is some rich generous indie-rock loving friends with vast amounts of free time on their hands. And a pony.

Watching Snow

It snowed again last night. I’d been preparing for my moot, but when I saw it coming down outside, I switched off the lights, opened the window, and sat on the sill to watch.

You know what I love most about watching snow? It’s how when you start paying attention to individual flakes, you can see them responding to eddies and swirls of currents in the air; some do rebellious dizzying spirals even as they plunge groundwards, others do leisurely meanders along some invisible skyway, and some just fall up. Sometimes you can see an influential current at work, and a flurry of flakes bank and swoop and waft as one, caught up in a fleeting dance we’re not allowed to be part of, to music we cannot hear.

I’m entranced by the idea of being at the mercy of the wind, swept along in a blinding headlong surge where you don’t know where the next heartbeat will be. A fairground ride without the comforting solidity of the seat beneath you or the restraint holding you down, just some crazy zephyr laughing maniacally as he writes words in the air with a capricious finger, and you radiant in his wake like the residual trail of a sparkler.

Placebo Poetry

Oh God, I have discovered one of the greatest comedic writing geniuses of modern times. The only problem is that I don’t think Brian Molko of Placebo means to be funny.

I was brushing my teeth this morning when Xfm played Placebo’s new single, Special K. By the chorus I had ingested half the toothpaste and sprayed the other half onto the mirror. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t expect every song to be Strange Fruit, and one of my favourite singers did start an album by confessing “Father, I killed my monkey” and my favourite band did give the world My Friend Goo, but really, Brian, leitmotif?

SPECIAL K (words in bold are particular gems IMO)

Coming up beyond belief
On this coronary thief
More than just a leitmotif
More chaotic, no relief

I’ll describe the way I feel
Weeping wounds that never heal
Can the savior be for real
Or are you just my seventh seal?

No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash

No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Now you’re back with dope demand
I’m on sinking sand
Gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity
No escaping… not for free
I fall down… hit the ground
Make a heavy sound

Every time you seem to come around

I’ll describe the way I feel
You’re my new Achilles heel
Can this savior be for real
Or are you just my seventh seal?

No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity (x4)

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, Brian, friendly note: calling a song Slave To The Wage and having this chorus –

It’s a maze for rats to try x2
It’s a race, a race for rats
A race for rats to die
It’s a race, a race for rats
A race for rats to die

– does not make for penetrating social commentary. It sounds asinine.

Lenten Logic

I know this is completely missing the point, but indulge me for a moment: if you’re supposed to give up something you really love for Lent, then shouldn’t priests and nuns and all really religious people give up God, and praying?

It was just a thought.

It never worked on my mother when I tried it, anyway. Along with all the other things I unsuccessfully suggested giving up for Lent, like liver, drinking water (am I the only person alive who hates the way it tastes? AND IT DOES HAVE A TASTE, DAMMIT…) and practising the violin.

Poem: lifedance (charles bukowski)

the area dividing the brain and the soul
is affected in many ways by
experience —
some lose all mind and become soul:
insane.
some lose all soul and become mind:
intellectual.
some lose both and become:
accepted.

Constructing Commonwealth Credibility

I’ve never quite understood why people needed drugs to make them feel happier, but I have to say that if there existed a drug that made you more organized and disciplined, I’d be shooting up every hour.

My mooting semi-finals are on Monday. On the same day, I have to go to the English-Speaking Union and discuss a debate I have to do for Commonwealth Day.

Given my history of real-time mooting i.e. I only come up with most of the arguments as the moot’s actually in progress, which is Really Not Fun, I do think I should put a bit more trouble into preparing for these, since they’re semi-finals, and I’m not into public humiliation. The problem is that the Commonwealth Day debate is sort of important, because it involves going to the Foreign Office and Westminster Abbey and meeting ministerial types, and they’re broadcasting it over the Internet. So I think I should try and bridge the rather large gap between my current ignorance and apathy in matters Commonwealthy, and the paragon of post-colonial, politically informed, politically correct, Commonwealth youth which I’ll have to be on the day.

Bit of a tall order for a rather small girl.

But I said I’d do it, so I guess I should then do my best to make it a successful event. Anything less just wouldn’t be cricket, as my past colonial masters would say.

But musings on a dying (some would say dead) Empire making vain attempts at clutching tattered shreds of dignity around it as it shivers in the cold winds of a unipolarized world in which it crouches, lapdog-like, at the heels of a speech-impaired elephant wearing a rodeo hat aside, this all means that I really should get started on things today.

Business Idea

If I could figure out what it is about exploding dog that tugs so wonderfully at your heartstrings and bottle it, I bet I could make enough money to buy up all the Hallmark products in the world and burn them.

Middle Temple IV / Snow! / Spring!

(Sunday 1.36 PM)

It takes a hellish week to appreciate a heavenly weekend.

I was at the Inner Temple intervarsity debating tournament over Friday and all of Saturday. As a team, we came 11th out of 33, which we’re not too satisfied with, given that we’d convincingly whooped three teams ranked above us on speaker points. It also wasn’t great to come out of debates where every other team said we’d clearly won and then be told by the judges that we’d come second or third. I came 9th out of 66 on the individual speaker rankings, which was at least some consolation. Anyway, after one and a half debating years of regular shit happenings, I generally accept bad judging decisions with a shrug and a middle finger.

We’d decided that we wouldn’t follow our occasional tradition of post-IV clubbing, and passed up the guest list at the Ministry Of Sound’s Subliminal Sessions for vodka, lemonade and Kettle Chips at Nick’s place.

We (Nick, Josh and me) came out of the tube at Kings Cross, and it was snowing! It was a strange combination of weather and location – something as pretty as snow, falling on the sleaze and cheerlessness of Kings Cross. You look up, and it’s breathtaking and beautiful as it falls, and then you look down and around you, and it’s slush mixed with corner piss puddles. Within minutes we were covered. I looked at Josh’s frosty eyebrows and noted the huge difference between real snow and the sort that dusts the branches of artificial Christmas trees. I crossed my eyes and tried to watch snow fall past my nose. I stuck my tongue out and collected a flake. Then stuck it out again at Nick, who was laughing at my fascination.

I love falling snow.

After half an hour at Nick’s place, we were joined by his rather drunk flatmates, John and JP, back from the pub. JP heaved a huge snowball into the middle of Nick’s room. Nick wasn’t pleased. JP cleared it up, totteringly.

Josh was interested in listening to Xen Cuts. Nick put in disc 1. I came back from the bathroom, recognized what was on, and said “You have to play track 10!” (DJ Vadim featuring Sarah Jones, Your Revolution). It was exactly what he’d been just about to play.

Later, we were reminiscing about being 14, and Nick put a Nirvana bootleg on. I was saying something about my Nirvana listening times these days being times when I’m not in the mood to have to actively think about appreciating the music, but just want something on with simple tunes, lots of guitar, and some hoarse-voiced guy screaming every now and then. Nirvana fans might see that as a travesty, but that’s what I listen to Nirvana for – mildly rawking accessibility.

So anyway, I was saying all this, and:
Nick: Don’t tell me Aneurysm’s your favourite Nirvana song.
Me: It is, actually. What, don’t you like it?
Nick: This is getting spooky.

At some point during the night all of us were jumping around going wild to Pearl Jam. At some point we were squashed together in the best spot in the room for maximum speaker effect, listening to Teardrop (Massive Attack) and The Box (Orbital) with eyes closed.

At some point we fell asleep.

I’ve only just got back. We dawdled over tea and Kruder & Dorfmeister after waking up around noon. I’d taken my contact lenses off during the night, and the walk home was a blurred but interesting experience. Colours ordinarily seem muted when I can’t see properly, but the sky seemed to be that sort of amazingly vibrant blue that you only get in faked postcard photos. I looked at the sun in an oil-rainbowed puddle for too long, and my eyes started watering. I don’t know what the meteorologists say, but I think I’ll remember that stark transition from last night’s snow in Kings Cross to this morning’s sun in Bloomsbury as the moment my spring began.