Sometimes Everything Is Wrong

God, you know you’ve hit new lows of patheticness (pathos? No, I want to emphasize the fact that I view this state of mind as pathetic and discomforting, and something to be gotten over as soon as possible) when you put on Automatic For The People, and for the first time, ever, Everybody Hurts strikes an emotional chord with you.

I am currently an annoyed and unwilling poster child for human frailty. An old and unconquered fear murmurs and shifts in its sleep, and I’m tiptoeing round it for fear of rousing it from dormancy.

What if people don’t care about me anywhere as much as I care about them…
Oh get over it, Michelle, you know that’s irrational and insecure and girly and un-Michellian.
Hey, I can prove it. I realized today that out of the good friends I bought Christmas presents for, not one of them bothered with anything for me.
Hmmm. You might have a point there.

This is the problem. My normal font thoughts usually stomp all over the wimpy italicized ones. But not these days.

Here’s another problem. I have a semi-final moot in three hours. I have had two hours of sleep. I have had to spend the morning pretending to be interested in the Commonwealth, of all things. The last thing I need right now is all this normal human being type emotional claptrap.

Watching Snow

It snowed again last night. I’d been preparing for my moot, but when I saw it coming down outside, I switched off the lights, opened the window, and sat on the sill to watch.

You know what I love most about watching snow? It’s how when you start paying attention to individual flakes, you can see them responding to eddies and swirls of currents in the air; some do rebellious dizzying spirals even as they plunge groundwards, others do leisurely meanders along some invisible skyway, and some just fall up. Sometimes you can see an influential current at work, and a flurry of flakes bank and swoop and waft as one, caught up in a fleeting dance we’re not allowed to be part of, to music we cannot hear.

I’m entranced by the idea of being at the mercy of the wind, swept along in a blinding headlong surge where you don’t know where the next heartbeat will be. A fairground ride without the comforting solidity of the seat beneath you or the restraint holding you down, just some crazy zephyr laughing maniacally as he writes words in the air with a capricious finger, and you radiant in his wake like the residual trail of a sparkler.

Lenten Logic

I know this is completely missing the point, but indulge me for a moment: if you’re supposed to give up something you really love for Lent, then shouldn’t priests and nuns and all really religious people give up God, and praying?

It was just a thought.

It never worked on my mother when I tried it, anyway. Along with all the other things I unsuccessfully suggested giving up for Lent, like liver, drinking water (am I the only person alive who hates the way it tastes? AND IT DOES HAVE A TASTE, DAMMIT…) and practising the violin.

Constructing Commonwealth Credibility

I’ve never quite understood why people needed drugs to make them feel happier, but I have to say that if there existed a drug that made you more organized and disciplined, I’d be shooting up every hour.

My mooting semi-finals are on Monday. On the same day, I have to go to the English-Speaking Union and discuss a debate I have to do for Commonwealth Day.

Given my history of real-time mooting i.e. I only come up with most of the arguments as the moot’s actually in progress, which is Really Not Fun, I do think I should put a bit more trouble into preparing for these, since they’re semi-finals, and I’m not into public humiliation. The problem is that the Commonwealth Day debate is sort of important, because it involves going to the Foreign Office and Westminster Abbey and meeting ministerial types, and they’re broadcasting it over the Internet. So I think I should try and bridge the rather large gap between my current ignorance and apathy in matters Commonwealthy, and the paragon of post-colonial, politically informed, politically correct, Commonwealth youth which I’ll have to be on the day.

Bit of a tall order for a rather small girl.

But I said I’d do it, so I guess I should then do my best to make it a successful event. Anything less just wouldn’t be cricket, as my past colonial masters would say.

But musings on a dying (some would say dead) Empire making vain attempts at clutching tattered shreds of dignity around it as it shivers in the cold winds of a unipolarized world in which it crouches, lapdog-like, at the heels of a speech-impaired elephant wearing a rodeo hat aside, this all means that I really should get started on things today.

Middle Temple IV / Snow! / Spring!

(Sunday 1.36 PM)

It takes a hellish week to appreciate a heavenly weekend.

I was at the Inner Temple intervarsity debating tournament over Friday and all of Saturday. As a team, we came 11th out of 33, which we’re not too satisfied with, given that we’d convincingly whooped three teams ranked above us on speaker points. It also wasn’t great to come out of debates where every other team said we’d clearly won and then be told by the judges that we’d come second or third. I came 9th out of 66 on the individual speaker rankings, which was at least some consolation. Anyway, after one and a half debating years of regular shit happenings, I generally accept bad judging decisions with a shrug and a middle finger.

We’d decided that we wouldn’t follow our occasional tradition of post-IV clubbing, and passed up the guest list at the Ministry Of Sound’s Subliminal Sessions for vodka, lemonade and Kettle Chips at Nick’s place.

We (Nick, Josh and me) came out of the tube at Kings Cross, and it was snowing! It was a strange combination of weather and location – something as pretty as snow, falling on the sleaze and cheerlessness of Kings Cross. You look up, and it’s breathtaking and beautiful as it falls, and then you look down and around you, and it’s slush mixed with corner piss puddles. Within minutes we were covered. I looked at Josh’s frosty eyebrows and noted the huge difference between real snow and the sort that dusts the branches of artificial Christmas trees. I crossed my eyes and tried to watch snow fall past my nose. I stuck my tongue out and collected a flake. Then stuck it out again at Nick, who was laughing at my fascination.

I love falling snow.

After half an hour at Nick’s place, we were joined by his rather drunk flatmates, John and JP, back from the pub. JP heaved a huge snowball into the middle of Nick’s room. Nick wasn’t pleased. JP cleared it up, totteringly.

Josh was interested in listening to Xen Cuts. Nick put in disc 1. I came back from the bathroom, recognized what was on, and said “You have to play track 10!” (DJ Vadim featuring Sarah Jones, Your Revolution). It was exactly what he’d been just about to play.

Later, we were reminiscing about being 14, and Nick put a Nirvana bootleg on. I was saying something about my Nirvana listening times these days being times when I’m not in the mood to have to actively think about appreciating the music, but just want something on with simple tunes, lots of guitar, and some hoarse-voiced guy screaming every now and then. Nirvana fans might see that as a travesty, but that’s what I listen to Nirvana for – mildly rawking accessibility.

So anyway, I was saying all this, and:
Nick: Don’t tell me Aneurysm’s your favourite Nirvana song.
Me: It is, actually. What, don’t you like it?
Nick: This is getting spooky.

At some point during the night all of us were jumping around going wild to Pearl Jam. At some point we were squashed together in the best spot in the room for maximum speaker effect, listening to Teardrop (Massive Attack) and The Box (Orbital) with eyes closed.

At some point we fell asleep.

I’ve only just got back. We dawdled over tea and Kruder & Dorfmeister after waking up around noon. I’d taken my contact lenses off during the night, and the walk home was a blurred but interesting experience. Colours ordinarily seem muted when I can’t see properly, but the sky seemed to be that sort of amazingly vibrant blue that you only get in faked postcard photos. I looked at the sun in an oil-rainbowed puddle for too long, and my eyes started watering. I don’t know what the meteorologists say, but I think I’ll remember that stark transition from last night’s snow in Kings Cross to this morning’s sun in Bloomsbury as the moment my spring began.

This Ulp Goes To Eleven

I went into the library to get a book on land law. I came out of the library with no book on land law.

I came out of the library with Kafka’s The Trial, Don DeLillo’s Underworld, and Adrienne Rich’s Your Native Land, Your Life.

I have an essay tomorrow which I haven’t started. A tutorial tomorrow which I haven’t started. The Inner Temple intervarsity debating tournament which I haven’t prepared for.

Ulp.

Best Laid Plans

I really did think I had it all planned out yesterday. I’d go do a debate for the UCL law faculty against KCL law faculty, go for the UCL Debating Society Monday night debate after that, and then get home in time for the Goodness Gracious Me special, a late dinner, and then tackling of the study deficit.

You know what they say about the best laid plans.

The annual UCL/KCL mudwrestle went well. During the course of my speech, I said the prime entry criteria for admission into Kings was fellatio ability, called one of the male speakers sexually incapable, and the other a walking vibrator advertisement. We won. :)

I then made the mistake of walking into the Debating Society debate “This House Believes That A Woman’s Intelligence Is Proportional To The Length Of Her Skirt” wearing the rather short one that I’d been wearing at the earlier debate, where we were all in suits. The usual wisecracks followed.

After the debate the planned TV dinner and studying suddenly sounded far less of an attractive proposition than an excursion to Flutes, which is a great wine bar on Goodge Street. The next thing I knew, it was a rather unearthly hour, the wine had flowed a bit too freely, and delving into the intricacies of personal injury litigation was distinctly unappealing, as well as pretty much impossible.

Common Room Classical Music

Sunday night, in our hall common room: The Italians have decided to make pizza from scratch, for everyone. They’re messing around with huge quantities of dough on one of the tables. Michael’s at the piano, playing Gershwin. Everyone sings the bits they know with gusto and extreme raucousness.

Later on, as people start dispersing, James returns from busking in Covent Garden. He stashes his violin behind the bar, gets himself a pint, and puts Shostakovich string quartets on the stereo. I am still in the room, having an intense conversation with Susie about Heinz Big Soups and their campaign of misinformation (“It never tastes as good as you think when you buy it”). We drift over, me particularly keen due to Saturday’s epiphany (see below). James is going through a stack of CDs. After a while I bring my property law seminar work down from my room. The next few hours are a trip. Verdi’s Requiem. Tchaikovsky’s 6th symphony. Sibelius’s Finlandia. James makes everyone stop what they’re doing and close their eyes during Barber’s Adagio for Strings. It fills the room.

It fills the room.

Stop Arguing That We’re Arguing

I’ve mentioned here before how much I hate mooting. Yesterday I realized there was a reason for it all. Because mooting is incredibly boring and annoying, but moot judging is immensely enjoyable, and I just played judge for the first time.

Four people, all bound by courtroom etiquette to subservience and extreme politeness. You, as judge, the recipient of this. The joy of catching someone out on a poorly thought out argument, and seeing that “Oh shit, she’s right” look appear on their face as they realize they’re in a fix. Equally, the satisfaction from challenging someone on something just because it’s a challengeable argument, and having them come back strongly in support of their stand with a well-reasoned defence of it.

At the end of the day, I look at what I like about the various relevant activities I enjoy (mooting, debating, drunken conversations…), and realize that what I find fulfilling and enjoyable in every case is the interplay of differing ideas.

The only time I ever enjoy a moot is when the judge questions me, and I then have to respond to his challenges. Otherwise, it’s a one-way speech, and it’s incredibly tedious. I love debating because (in the British Parliamentary format that I do) participation doesn’t begin and end with your speech. You can interject at almost any other time in the course of someone else’s speech, and they can interject during yours.

I love not being agreed with. I love not agreeing with others. I don’t understand why so many people, and so many Singaporeans in particular, seem to think that a discussion of differing opinions is something bad. One of the most annoying things someone could ever say to me is “Look, whatever. You’re right. You win. Can we stop arguing now?”

First of all, the simple fact of differing views doesn’t automatically make something an argument. It’s a discussion. Secondly, I’m not disagreeing with you to “win”, or trump you. I’m arguing because I want to understand how you see the issue. And I want you to understand how I see the issue. Why is that wrong? And if you have a view that can’t stand up to scrutiny, then don’t you want to know that your view isn’t necessarily valid? I’d appreciate being told if I was believing in something for no good reason, and it shouldn’t be my problem if other people are too insecure to handle a similar realization.

This turned into a bit of a rant. Well, all I really intended to say was that I enjoyed my moot judging yesterday. But I guess you probably already figured that out. :)

My Mind Has A Mind Of Its Own

So I’m walking back to my hall from Tesco’s, and when I pass the computer room I decide to pop in and send Russ a free SMS to update him on my efforts to find us accommodation in Paris. Where we’re going on Friday, by the way. I think I haven’t mentioned it here yet.

So I sit down, sign into a terminal, and am just about to open Netscape (UCL computers only run Netscape. This pleases me greatly) when he calls me. This is just another one in a long list of Freaky Telepathic Russ Moments. Maybe I should actually start keeping a list of those, just for interest.

It’s actually rather stupid of me to be writing this here, because when he reads it he’ll nag me about having been on the computer instead of doing the ten million other things that I should be doing instead. And he’ll be right. Dammit.

Oh, before I go, a conversation fragment. I was in my hall common room looking for some of my French hallmates to ask them something about calling Paris:

Me: Johanna, have you seen anyone French around today at all? As in, people from France, not people French kissing.
Johanna, giving me a strange look: No. As in, to either question.

Why does my mind work like this? Stop embarrassing me, mind…