Sir Mix-A-Lot Would Weep

Someone stopped me along the street the other day and asked if I wanted to join a talent agency as a model. Halfway through her spiel (respected agency, no sleazy assignments etc.), I said I wasn’t interested and walked on, because much like Groucho Marx, I think any agency that would want me as a model must either be pretty crap or specialists in the “everywoman” look.

But the encounter started me thinking, and today I realized the awful truth – I have now completely lost my England curves, and am a stick insect like all the other girls in Singapore, though judging by the ubiquitious newpaper and television ads here for “Super Slimming! Guarantee Results!” you would think us a nation plagued by obesity.

England curves, for those wondering, are the few pounds of extra weight every Singaporean girl seems to put on when she’s at university in the UK, usually due to a combination of cold climate, first year hall food, and subsequent self-indulgence once cooking for herself. (Or for me, being spoiled rotten by butter-lovin’ boyfriend’s great cooking). Since returning to Singapore, despite my strenuous avoidance of exercise and complete lack of dietary restrictions, those pounds have fallen off. I used to come back for the summer, look at girls with pretty faces on the street and muse that they’d be so much more attractive if they weren’t so skinny. These days I look at myself and think the same thing.

I realize this question (and indeed, this whole post) may be incomprehensible to people who aren’t into curves, or people who like skinny Singapore girls just fine, but: how do I gain weight, in a (fairly) healthy way? I want my butt back.

13 comments

  1. I concur, we are a nation of skinny ass chicks.

    But you are aware though, that this post would meet with a slew of hate-mail, don’t you?

  2. I’ve got the exact opposite problem! I’ve somehow managed to lose some of the weight gained from London and gained a relatively good upper body… and retained the gi-normous butt. Given the immense difficulty I’ve been having in finding jeans and trousers that fit well, I have to conclude that there’re some benefits in having a skinny S’porean ass.

  3. You need Alec to say “Yes, your ass looks fat in those pants” loudly in the store everytime you go shopping until you’ve got a more positive self image?

  4. My arse never really had much oomph to it in the first place. I think my arse is damn skinny and would like some curves there. I think Dave’s got a great arse, something you can grab and hold on to.

    I’ve always had a problem gaining weight. I’ve been trying for several years now with not much luck. It’s weird because in the past year I’ve been going to the gym I definitely have increased muscle mass, but I haven’t gained any weight. The only logical conclusion is that I’ve lost fat. But I hardly had any fat to begin with in the first place(!)

    Please CC tips on gaining mass in a health way to me too.

  5. Kelly: You overestimate the reach of my blog lah, who would bother hate-mailing me? I’m not Xia.xue, you know. Besides, most of you who read this blog already know I’m a bitch!

    Dom: Better put that big ass to good use then, let’s make a date for some hip-hop. :)

    Matt: Sadly, I must admit that I don’t like cake. Had I been a French peasant I would have risen up against Marie Antoinette for slightly different reasons from everyone else. I could try Coke instead, but I want to be curvy and have teeth. I’m a perfectionist that way.

    James: Good idea. Of course, to everyone else he will look an absolute boor, which also sounds like fun.

    Russ: Hmm. Do bodybuilders have curvy or at least muscular arses? If they do, I’m sure you could find out about the relevant exercises. (Michelle stifles obvious crack.) But in general, I’m afraid you’ll just have to live life the size you are. Judging by the amount of food you already consume daily, there isn’t enough food in England to take things any further.

  6. Thank God, the first Singaporean woman I’ve heard who doesn’t talk about wanting to be skinny. You’d think we were a nation without food, the way some woman starve themselves and talk longingly of food. Those Marie France ads make me want to strangle small animals or something. (Thought: maybe people who like hip-hop understand why a skinny ass doesn’t work. Oh, and “stifles obvious crack” in the above comment wasn’t meant as a bad pun, was it?)

  7. Ohh, I love this. I stay off line for a few days to sit exams and what to I find when I return; that we’re having a bit chat about my girlfriend’s ass.

    James: When Michelle takes me shopping she’s generally far too focused to take notice of anything I say. If my mouth is open then there’s space for me to hold another bag. Its not disimilar to my experiences at home.

  8. Chai dao kuey for breakfast today, and wedding dinner tonight. There’s hope for booty yet!

  9. Ooh, I totally know what you mean — when I was in Singapore last summer I dropped tons of weight and came back to New York weighing 94 pounds — I was so proud of myself and so happy with my thin arms, etc etc. But then all my friends (especially the men) looked at my butt with great disappointment and asked, where did it go? I liked your booty before.

    I’ve restabilised at 100lb, and I swear the extra 6 pounds is almost entirely located on my ass. And I’m beginning to think I like that better. (seems like I’m never going to lose it, so I might as well have a good attitude about it, right?)

    Definitely another one of the great things about living anywhere-but-Singapore. People actually APPRECIATE a nice ass. =) and you don’t feel the pressure to be stick-thin all the time.

  10. wait, are there 2 Michelles in here (you have different email links)?

    In any case, am sure there are tons of people in Singapore that appreciate a baby that’s got back. I think bootyliciousness is as universal as beer.

  11. There are two Michelles. The author of this blog’s never been to New York, sadly.

    But Kelly, the majority of guys I talk to here find J-Lo’s butt a turnoff!

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