Pap Cheer

While having a cuddle with Alec and prattling on about the various bits of my day, I also mentioned wurh’s recent and rather endearing (yes, really) post about her pap smear.

And then one bit of pap smear humour led to another bit of pap smear humour and soon I was on a roll.

Me: What do you call it when you have a pap smear and it’s really badly done?
Alec: What?
Me: A crap smear! Hahahahaha!
Alec: I think it’s time for you to go home now.
Me: Have you heard of that high-tech kind of smear you can get over your mobile phone? It’s a wap smear! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

[For ease of reading, I’ll present the next few in Q & A form, omitting Alec’s groans and my HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!s.]

Q: What kind of smear does Yoko Ono get?
A: A jap smear!

Q: What kind of smear does L’il Kim get?
A: A rap smear!

Q: What do they call it when the woman falls asleep halfway?
A: A nap smear!

Q: What kind of smear do you get if you slept around a lot when you took a year out from uni?
A: A gap smear!

Q: What do you call a smear which reveals that the woman does actually have a STD?
A: A clap smear!

Me, finally running out of ideas: I’m so funny.
Alec: ……
Me: Why aren’t you hugging me any more?


  1. haha… rubiklap on sat at Home. come come! after reading this post, i wana see u two! smear like teen spirit

  2. And a lady plumber has a tap smear, and a cartographer has a map smear. Should vets ever find the need to conduct them on terriers, would they be yap smears?

  3. take up joe’s offer of a rubiklap smear, Mich. You know you wanna!!

    (btw you’re punny but never *this* punny when you’re with the orgers.)

  4. Joe, “smear like teen spirit” is damn funny! Spent ages trying to think of a complementary “smear” song but couldn’t! Unfortunately, we won’t be able to go on Sat – Alec just left for Ireland to visit his family, and I’ll be at Makino to see Hifana.

    Dom, pretty good though perhaps a little obvious? Alec crafted a very similar joke. Though of course it’s not like my jokes are exactly triumphs of subtlety…

    Matt: Yup, thought of those too while going through the alphabet but thought it would be better to present a select few than torment everyone with an entire list of horror.

    Don: Yah, I try to restrict my punniness there to filth-related puns, not just anything and everything corny. Should this change?

  5. I had to join in though – some friends run an evening that was, until more recently, called ‘funkfaction’ and we had great fun suggesting one with a monastic theme, one where entry was free to people with mohicans, one where people were forced to play MB’s popular game employing marbles and plastic sticks, and so on. The whole concept brought back happy memories. My, how we laughed at the concept of a club night where everyone brought a cup of tea and some biscuits, but sadly the DunkFaction idea never came to fruition.

  6. ho ho ho. the jokes are great, keep ’em coming!!

    matt: o yes the ‘clubbing with tea n bikkies’ thing has caught on, at least with Mr Scruff! he has a proper tea shop with every gig!

  7. sieteocho, checkit! According to Wikipedia Pat Smear renamed himself “after learning about pap smears in high school, claiming they were the most disgusting thing he had ever heard of”.

    I think we’ve all learned a lot from this post.

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