Insert Cryptic Verbiage Here

This new ILM idea – Here, a thread featuring translations of song titles from their commonly known designation and into ACADEMESE, and then involving guess-work as to the original nomenclature in order to make a competition from this endeavor! – is really quite challenging! Here are some of my favourites. The first three are classic oldies, the fourth and fifth are recent pop hits, and the next three should be familiar to any (indie) music geek worth their salt.

  1. Let r1 be defined as the quantification of an undefined locus’ tendency to exist at a great distance from the Earth’s center. Let r2 be defined as a similar quantification of a layer of refractive aberrations in the Earth’s atmosphere, such that r1 > r2.

  2. It is hereby demanded that you will be romantically exclusive with me and assume an infantile moniker.

  3. Immense objects, in which every part is equally distant from one point within, in the state of a rapid, self-sustaining exothermic oxidation process.

  4. I liken the entire material and physical manifestation of your organism to a fictional world inside another fiction, a meta-world as it were; in particular, one put forth by the amateur pornophotographer and mathematician Charles Lutwidge Dodgson in the title of his most celebrated children’s tome.

  5. The question of investiture is moot.

  6. The central figure of Western religious culture under unique ownership designated to an individual.

  7. Urgently, such that the unstated presupposed occurence will actualize in mere seconds, minutes, hours, or similar temporal measurements which seem fractional (or perhaps even irrelevant) in comparison to normal tests of human patience. [I think this one is impossible unless you know that the artist is “My Sentimental Greeting Thoroughly Mauled”].

  8. Darkly colored iron-based alloy in the moderate time segment of great generalized disorder.

My rather average attempts. I wasn’t so good at academese, so for the second one I tried legalese. The first is a classic covered by everybody, the second is one of the cheesiest songs ever.

  1. At each and every point existing on the continuous surface of a man-made multi-level structure designed for outdoor surveillance, the name of which has also been adopted by a periodical first published in or around 1879 by a religious group or sect characterized, among other things, by its rejection of all Christian doctrine not believed to have originated in the Bible.

  2. I hereby assert my entitlement to copyright and all related authorial rights, including (but not limited to) moral rights insofar as these are recognized by any and all applicable legal regimes, with regard to lyrical and musical arrangements composed by me which induce vocal utterances perceived to be melodic by those emitting them, such vocalizations being emitted by all matter existing on the planet Earth.

(Answers can be found behind the link to continue reading, but it’s more fun if you give it at least a bit of a try before peeking!)

  1. Somewhere Over The Rainbow
  2. Be My Baby
  3. Great Balls Of Fire
  4. Your Body Is A Wonderland
  5. In Da Club
  6. Personal Jesus
  7. Soon (Artist: My Bloody Valentine)
  8. Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos
  9. All Along The Watchtower
  10. I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Sing


  1. I only got 2, 3, 9 and 10; I can’t believe I couldn’t guess 6…”Jesus in a Camper Van”?? “Jesus to a Child”??? “The Jesus of Suburbia”???? What can I say but….JESUS!!!

  2. oh gosh number 10 was funny. i’m in the doghouse; i didn’t get any of those titles at ALL. :P ohwell i never claimed to be academic…

  3. Following your link – I liked this one.

    “it might be merely a form of popular music arising from and incorporating a variety of musical styles, especially rhythm and blues, country music, and gospel, originating in the United States in the 1950s and characterized by electronically amplified instrumentation, a heavily accented beat, and relatively simple phrase structure, but it increases left-side brain activity near my forehead”

    I, too, got none of them, but I’m slightly jet-lagged, and my comedy-puzzler skills are always the last ones to recover. I appear to be able to function perfectly at work, but ask me what song might be reinterpreted as (for example my Mansun) “The scrap or piece of paper, such as a perforated edge of paper for tractor feed printers or a tiny rectangle punched out from a data card, which developed a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards myself, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness”, then I’m at a loss. Anyone?

  4. Matt: You wrote that, right? I think it’s pretty good! But it’s piss-easy to guess as mine were, especially once you named the band. The Chad Who Loved Me.

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