Hmm New Year

This is my 2003 entry for the mayfly project:

Finished Masters. Left London, sobbing. Difficult resettling in Singapore. Partial meltdown. Grateful for family’s support, Alec’s (long-distance) love. Cautiously optimistic.

* * *

What I wrote this time last year was fairly spot-on. My dread at The Return proved well-founded – returning to Singapore has been as bad as I expected, and then some. On the other hand, I think I can safely say my resolve to “carpe the fucking diem” for the remainder of my London life was amply realized.

* * *

I write this entry alone again for the first time in two and a half weeks. I said goodbye to Alec a few hours ago, and will probably not see him again until May. A few months ago, I melodramatically scribbled somewhere that the loneliest place in the world is the designs on the backs of my eyelids at 4 am. At that time, I hadn’t yet tried standing in the departure hall as Alec’s profile shrank into the distance.

* * *

On the way home from the airport on the bus, a sign on the expressway read “Welcome To Singapore!”

* * *

I wonder what I will write this time next year.


  1. I’m sorry Michelle, I can only imagine how difficult it was [seeing as I’ve never had that sort of goodbye, no boyfriend of mine having meant to me what Alec does to you]. I suppose the only thing is that you’ll have memories with Alec in Singapore now [this may be a bit of a double-edged sword], that may keep you going till May.

  2. I know that it would be presumptious to say that i know how you feel

    but yes, there is nothing lonelier ….

    The thing I learnt from David’s visit was that I was wrong – the goodbyes do not get easier. And it was ironic that when before, I missed being with David in London, now, i miss David being with me in Singapore. Hell, I just miss him.

    The best thing to do is to book a flight to be see him. Take away the ‘probably’ and it will somehow ease the pain a little.

    And oh yes, coffee (er… not so mee goreng) sounds great!

  3. Sometimes I wonder if it bespeaks something awful about me that I am simply incapable of proper functioning in the place where I was brought up, the place where till so lately all my nearest and dearest were and would be, the place which people I have always known and loved and esteemed take so calmly and wholeheartedly for granted as home. Perhaps I am just unreasonable in my demands from the universe, that the very same things others can accept with such grace fill me with dread. But then I look again at how I’ve been living and how I could be living and I think… why should anyone ever settle for so much less?

    I hope you find your way to where and how and with whom you want to be; I really do.

  4. Jol: Thank you for that lovely comment, and the heartening sentiment at the end. I hope so too. If even all your close friends get tired of listening to you gripe when you eventually return, you know where to turn.

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