Death Of A Party

So I decided I felt like throwing a party, and because I love dumb innuendo, I used my upcoming call to the Bar as an excuse for calling my party “Barely Legal”.

I wrote up an invite and emailed it to my friends. So far, a nice number of positive responses have been coming in, you know, the usual “Sounds cool, I’ll see you Sat then” type of email. And then my friend’s Italian boyfriend sent this:

“Uhm, still have some trouble with the law in italy over some public drunkness and indecent behaviour charges….how about consultation in exchange for some excellent duty-free smirnoff?”

And then Kelly replied with this:

“funny. pat’s in some legal trouble with the fashion police in US for his hair too. no wonder you guys are stuck over here.

alec, so what’s your true story? why are you here? what are you running away from? it’s truth time.”

And my weirdo boyfriend replied, to all my friends, some of whom have never met him, with this:

Kelly, I returned to Ireland in 93′ and found only deprivation and poverty awaiting me. The blight had returned to haunt the land and all around was the smell of marsh mellows rotting in the diseased ground. Without marsh mellows there’d be no lucky charms to feed the young ones. The leprechauns had packed up their pots of gold and forsaken us all. A great sorrow engulfed the land, made all the worse by the awful lamentations of Sinead O’Connor’s latest album “I was genitally mutilated for old Ireland”.

After just a fortnight at home, I’d already sold the clothes on my back for a few precious bowls of luck charms. I wandered around the house, buck naked and freezing, worrying day and night what I could do to feed the family. It was my mother who pointed out the only feasible solution.

“A young fellow like you, with a big lad on you, should be a gay porn star. ‘Twould be putting your willy to some good use, not like your father who does nothing but annoy me with his.”

I moved to Ballynabollix, home of Ireland’s burgeoning, alternative porn industry and became an overnight sensation. Using only what God gave me, I landed my first major role in “Jesus, Mary and Joeseph!!”. A spate of other movies followed, including such ground breaking works as “Jaysus, you could plough drills for potatoes with that thing!”, “Orgy in Ballingory” and “Feck off Bono, Larry Mullen is mine.”

My ego inflated faster than my money maker and decadence set in. I started to listen to Enya, taking Bob Geldof seriously and eating only the pink marsh mallow bits in my lucky charms. I was drinking and doing drugs and then one morning,…..Oh Jesus, it hurts just thinking back on it,….one morning I woke up and there was Michael Flatley in the bed beside me. I’ve been impotent as a Catholic Cardinal ever since.

Living with my condition has been hard. To save myself from further shame, I decided to emigrate. I looked at international birth rate statistics and surveys of sexual activity. I reasoned that if my condition could not be cured I could at least live amongst similarly afflicted individuals. Singapore has been a God send.”

If I start getting “Um…actually, I’m not free any more, I have to, uh, wash my laundry’s hair” responses, someone’s head will roll. And I don’t mean the one on top of his neck.


  1. This explains a lot about why Alec was often so difficult to find when I lived at Newman House with him. It also explains why I never once entered his room, though that could be explained by a number of things.

  2. alec, did that work of art come from your brain?!? geezus man, u need to publish that. freeking brilliant man. 2 thumbs up! :)

    i assume u did, ive seen the way michelle deals w/ plagiarists. ;)

  3. I take it Alec is off the booze again. On the booze he seems to manage to integrate successfully with society. Once he stops drinking for a while he comes out with streams of rather offensive randomness. :-P~~~

  4. good lord man, it’s been long enough. snap out of the Flatley and inflateley! i hate to see a God’s gift wasted.

  5. im intending to start a new campaign soon, one called Make Alec Blog! seriously, am sure im not the only one who wants more of Alec’s wisecracks (he could be the next Scary Duck!)

  6. Cannot. If the Ministry of M@npower finds out more about his secret pre-Singapore past, his employment pass is toast. Then he’ll be a mojoless penniless loser and I’ll have to dump him.

  7. …or a mojoless penis-less loser. hee hee hee hee….

    ok, that was sad. That’s why I wanna Make Alec Blog! too. He does these jokes professionally.

  8. Hi Michelle,

    i think Alec should defo. write a Blog. may i suggest a name?

    “Che Guevara wants his Beard Back!!!”

    and if Alec is sans facial topiary these days why not the always popular…

    “Bigger boys made me do it!!”

Comments are closed.