Attack Of The Clones

Attack Of The Clones on Sunday was everything you expect from a Star Wars movie – cool effects, terrible dialogue, corny jokes, shameless use of devices (retain Jar Jar so he can (a) be given away with Happy Meals and (b) propose emergency powers for the Chancellor in the absence of Queen Amidala; get Amidala’s back slashed by animal in gladiatoral arena so that later her top may magically but legitimately become ripped and midriff-baring).

Low points:

• Hayden Christenson AKA Darth Sipid.
• The sound of the devil laughing gleefully over Natalie Portman’s soul.

High points:

• Yoda, who was my imaginary friend for most of my childhood. I somehow formed an attachment to him in Return Of The Jedi (the second film I ever saw in a cinema. I think the first was ET.) and probably embarrassed my family by crying my eyes out when he died. He’d already been swordfighting his way through most of my imaginary worlds for years before Attack Of The Clones, but it was still nice to see it happen on the screen, even if I do think my imagination was better at realistic computer animation than Industrial Light And Magic seem to have been with him in this movie.
• C3PO: I’m programmed for etiquette, not destruction!