All Your Merchandising Base Are Belong To Us

Here are some Revenge Of The Sith products I think someone should make.

  • Chia Kenobi: Adaptable to Chia ZZ Top or Chia Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart if you get tired of Star Wars hype.
  • Cabbage Patch Padme: Am I the only one who thinks that the most awe-inspiring special effect in the movie was how ugly they managed to make Natalie Portman?
  • General Grievous photo holder: Holds 4 Kodak moments.
  • Star-Crossed Lovers Hallmark cards: For all true romantics, now with exclusive Anakin/Padme dialogue not featured in the final cut of the movie: “You hang up.” “No, you hang up.” “You!” “You!” (Nausea not included.)
  • Darth Gyrater: Responds to shitty film-making with swivelling “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” action.
  • SimSellout: How much merchandising opportunities can you spot and exploit in one Star Wars movie? Only the shameless survive.

[I actually enjoyed the film quite a lot, it’s just that for me taking the piss out of Star Wars is a big part of the fun of Star Wars.]


  1. Well, when my flatmate first watched Being John Malkovitch from start to finish, I said sometihng to the same effect about Cameron Diaz, and he said ‘She wasn’t in it, was she?’. Haven’t seen Star Wars 3 yet though. I bet I’m the only person on here who thinks they are movies for kids, and should be treated with the same contempt as Harry Potter, by people over 13. I bet I’m also in a minority about my contempt for Harry Potter too…

  2. Ditto on the Natalie Portman point. I don’t recall which scene it was at but I think it was some fairly dramatic scene between Padme and Anakin (or possibly Obi-Wan) and it was obviously supposed to be a serious moment… but my friends watching with me cracked up when I blurted out, “is she wearing a carpet???!”

    As far as I can recall, it’s the first time bad dressing completely and utterly distracted me from what was going on.

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