January 27, 2008
O RLY?
I have to return House of Meetings to the library today without having finished it, unfortunately (The Somnambulist got in the way), but before I do I just have to capture this rather intriguing line: "...even in their most intimate dealings the women, too, were worked on by socio-economic reality. In the post-war years, there were no non-swallowers in the Soviet Union. None."
April 4, 2007
Games
I spent Saturday night with ex-Raffles debaters, all of whom I helped to train at some point in their debating careers. I therefore take a little pride in how well they all did in the debating arena, but I'm wondering if I perhaps had a less than ideal influence on other aspects of their personal development. Of course, it's also possible they got this twisted entirely on their own.
After a dinner where some penetrating observations on, er, penetration, were loudly voiced, we went back to Ying's house for ice cream and later settled in her room to play Taboo. Being debaters, an issue as simple as how to divide our group of 8 into teams became a long-drawn-out, albeit hilarious, discussion until I flung my hands in the air and suggested we divide the groups by "People who give a shit how we divide the groups" and "People who don't give a shit how we divide the groups". This idea eventually won the day, so we got started.
Word to be guessed: Exotic
YP: Strippers can also be described as...?
FY: WHORES!
Word to be guessed: Blokes
Me: In England, I would refer to my friends as -
FY: SLUTS!
It may be hard to believe from those two examples but our team "The Shits" (the former of the two teams described above) went on to win two rounds out of two. I'm pretty sure FY will be a very prominent person in Singapore some day. I shall remember this when he gets sworn into office.
When a change of game was suggested, I introduced everyone to the joys of Sexy Scrabble.
Based on the permissive attitude adopted towards compound word formation in my first foray, I encouraged the same approach here in the interests of fun. This is how MAN became MANTITS, MANTITSSAG and finally HEREMANTITSSAG. Similarly, VAJ became VAJIZ, VAJIZONFUR, and MYVAJIZONFUR - it being too late by the time the MY was added to modify the last word of the compound to FIRE.
Elsewhere, people trying to get rid of random letters when the game was in its last gasps turned BONED to LEBONED and a Z and K with 2 spaces in between them to ZCOK. These words were justified as being French. Other cunning linguists had earlier snuck in PODIA justifying it as "Latin for foot" and then added GIRL to refine the fetish, so since we were already near the bottom of the slippery slope we shrugged and let these attempts pass. However, should you embark on your own Sexy Scrabble explorations, I recommend a little stricter discipline.
October 5, 2006
February 21, 2006
GMale ISO GBuy
I don't know if this is already all over the Singapore blogs or not, but it made me burst out laughing at my computer and I hope it does the same to you too. Via Notchet, Google is setting up a Paypal-equivalent service.
It's called Gbuy.
[Non-Hokkien speakers, see here.]
January 10, 2006
Handy Hint
While idly thumbing through a colleague's copy of last week's 8 Days one lunchtime, I stopped to read a feature on the tendency of teen gameshow contestants to do dumb hand signs in their mugshots. (Think East 17 publicity shots when they first started out, except with doe-eyed smiles.) I was rather perturbed by the headline.
December 7, 2005
Anointed
Some people see Jesus in a potato chip. Last night, I had my own miraculous encounter when, while squeezing my tube of facial moisturiser, the white gob that came shooting out landed on my finger in the shape of...
Praise the Lord!
July 31, 2005
Crossing The Rubicum
After Alec got a haircut yesterday, he tried to make his way from Circular Road to the Ritz-Carlton to attend a wedding. Due to National Day Parade rehearsals in the vicinity, various roads were closed and crowds were packed solid outside the parade areas waiting to see the fireworks. Usual routes to the Ritz-Carlton had hence been rendered impassable, but in a situation where a lesser man would have given up and resigned himself to his fate, my boyfriend stood strong and forged a creative MacGyveresque solution.
Either that or the following text-message I received from him, explaining why he wasn't at the hotel yet, was rather hastily typed: "Have to take a cumboat to cross the river"
[Non-Singaporeans might find this contextual link useful.]
[I verily believe this is the worst-titled entry ever on this blog! Any contrary views?]
July 21, 2005
Get A Load Of This!
I have always been upfront on this blog about my penchant for vile humour and my lust for Johnny Depp, and this Yahoo! News headline (via Defective Yeti) symbolizes the proud union of those two fetishes.
May 9, 2005
KNÖBGÅÅGS
Far funnier jokes about IKEA product names have been made by people far funnier than me, but what the hell. Surfing the IKEA website in search of a frame which would fit the fantastic poster Russ brought me from London, I was very impressed by the following products:
- KOLON floor protector "protects flooring and flat-woven rugs against wear and dirt." Cost: $69.
- KONJUGAT curtain rod is made of powder-coated steel, "can be extended with enclosed connector", and "cut to desired length with a hacksaw."
- Finally, VÄGIS key cabinet. Consists of 3 compartments for mobile phone, small items, "etc".
I didn't find what I was looking for though, boo. Does anyone know where in Singapore I can find an affordably priced frame big enough for a 85 cm by 120 cm poster?
March 30, 2005
Pussy Cat Pussy Cat Where Have You Been?
The London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival starts today, and here's what you're missing if you're somewhere else:
- The Fall Of Communism As Seen In Gay Pornography
- How To Make Lesbian Porn: Instruction With Video Clips
- Annie Sprinkle's Amazing World Of Orgasm (featuring, among others, "a midwife who experienced orgasms through childbirth")
January 9, 2005
Stashing Pumpkins
Number two in an occasional series of stunning witticisms I make in conversation which I feel the need to share with the world. This is from last night at Hideout with Dom, Ida and David.
Ida: Remember that pumpkin I stole from ____ bar around Halloween? Well, we went to _____ bar after that and the bartender stole it from me.
Me: You were brandishing the pumpkin while ordering a drink?
Ida: I put it on the counter. So anyway, now every time I go back there he keeps saying, "I've got your pumpkin" and flirting with me.
Me: I guess you're his jack-off-lantern.
I kill myself sometimes.
January 7, 2005
Coming Across Her Naughty Bits
You know you're stressed when, while preparing a research document on the passing of property and risk in carriage of goods by sea, you start smiling every time you come across references to "ship's flange".
(Non-shipping lawyers: The flange is a part of the ship. Property and risk in goods are often agreed to pass from seller to buyer as they are moved across it in the process of loading.)
(Non-Brits see here for double-meaning.)
You know you're stressed but bored when the next thing you do is a global search-and-replace of "flange" with "minge".
You know you're stressed, bored and playing with fire when the third thing you do is a Google search for "minge" in order to provide another definition for non-Brits, and then break into giggles at the results. I present:
October 31, 2004
Text Massaging
While text messaging LT to arrange our outing to The Vagina Monologues in two weeks' time, I have learned that the first predictive text word option for buttons spelling out "cunts" on my phone is "aunts". Bless. Less innocently though, the first word for buttons spelling out "cum" is "bum".
(Original intended message: Will your man be cumming with us or will it just be two cunts and no cock?)
September 23, 2004
Gulp Friction
I usually have my nose in a book while I'm on the bus, but today on the number 12 I looked up in absolute boredom from Garden State (you know how some authors channel all their great writing into their first book and their following books are never as good? Well, Rick Moody isn't one of those authors) somewhere just past Kallang MRT and noticed a classy establishment named "BJ Massage".
July 26, 2004
Nabeya!
I thought Tamade was a one-off occurrence of a Japanese restaurant here with a name which is a swear word in another language (Mandarin), but today my family had dinner at Nabeya.¹ It appeared that I was either the only one who knew which swear word it sounded like, or the only one puerile enough to be secretly amused by it.
Sample conversation in the run-up to dinner, and I am so not kidding:
My mum: So, where are we going for dinner?
My sister: Nabeya.
My mum: Nabeya?! No, I don't feel like it. Let's go somewhere else.
My sister: But I only feel like Nabeya.
Me: Yah, mum, why not? Nothing wrong with Nabeya what.
My mum: Okay, fine then. Nabeya.
July 20, 2004
Tourist Twat
They entered the hip new restaurant in the centre of town with fresh tans and designer sunglasses, the picture of a happy young white couple on holiday in the tropics. His T-shirt read "VAGINAMATE". I guess she likes her men crass.
July 18, 2004
June 11, 2004
Cross-Cultural Potty-Mouthing 101
In conversation the other day, Alec described how one of his colleagues' favourite jokes was to gradually wind him up by piling on more and more stressful tasks and demands until he'd finally lose it and let fly with a flurry of curses. For some strange visceral reason (given that his Irish accent is mostly so Anglicized that I can actually understand most of what he says these days), this swearing would occur in his broadest Irish brogue.
A phrase that featured often in these outbursts is one I wasn't previously familiar with, but must now share with everyone. "I will a'me bollocks!" is apparently short for "I will, in my bollocks!" which is apparently short for "No, I won't do this thing you are asking me to do!"
Such elegance and charm, these Irish colloquialisms. I think Alec will pick up Singlish/Hokkien more easily than I first expected.
(While searching the Talking Cock dictionary for the above definitions, I came across this glorious expression which I must confess to having never heard before. Am I just hanging out with the wrong people?)
June 8, 2004
There's No Scrabble Like Sexy Scrabble
The rules of Sexy Scrabble are that every word you make has to be sexual, or at least suggestive, or as a matter of last resort, of general vulgarity. Approval of words is obviously not obtained by referring to the official Scrabble dictionary, but is solely subject to the opinion of the vile rabble with whom you are playing.
And so it was that we converged on Yish's house two Saturdays ago to forget that we were actually mature sophisticated well-educated 24-year-olds, and, at least for an evening, to be puerile 17-year-olds again.
The major insight we gained from the experience was that for a good game of Sexy Scrabble, ordinary Scrabble rules must be very liberally interpreted, if applied at all, and the English language must be forced into all manner of compromising positions.
In our first game, adding letters to words already on the board to make some sort of phrase or sentence was permitted. In this way, Yish was permitted to transform DICK into DICKME. My later attempt to make VINDICKME was, however, rejected. My outrage at this was somewhat mollified when my later proposal to adapt MANGA into MANGAZE was accepted. Through a similar process, the slightly more surreal sequence of TWIGGY -> BADTWIGGY -> RIMBADTWIGGY -> PRIMBADTWIGGY -> IMPRIMBADTWIGGY was obtained.
The traditional approach of not revealing your intended words to the other players also gave way in pursuit of the common good. When Jianyi tried to use an A on the board to make JAW, Fay insisted that she needed it for her FANNY. When we all agreed that the presence of FANNY on the board was of vital importance, Jianyi had no choice but to produce JAWSEMEN instead, which was mutated by others later on to INJAWSEMEN and FOULINJAWSEMEN.
In our second game, we decided to try something a little classier. In this spirit, Yish started us off with BEGET, and I followed with AROUSE. This new classy version of sexy Scrabble soon proved to be dead boring and was soon abandoned in favour of transforming LOVER to TOELOVER, and RANDY to ISORANDY to OMISORANDY, which seemed like a good place to call it a night.
May 18, 2004
Boats, Floats, Horses, Courses, Strokes, Folks
When you're this bored and depressed and permanently sweaty, blogging anything more eloquent than a series of blehs becomes quite a challenge. I could regale you with thrilling tales of my afternoons on the couch watching whatever's on Animal Planet (generally, too many proboscis monkeys), or go off on a rant about how Jamie Cullum makes jazz for lobotomy patients, or make dark statements about how if Fantasia Barrino doesn't win American Idol there will be no truth, beauty or justice left in this world, but I really think it's better for everyone if I do one of those links-as-substitutes-for-real-content posts, don't you?
Here are some about porn.
I found this dictionary of Japanese porn perversions through Tamara's livejournal, but it really needs to be shared with the world. To give you an idea of what's apparently available to the average Japanese porn consumer, Fundoshi (women in traditional Sumo g-strings rolling around giving each other "really harsh wedgies") is I guess fairly understandable, Pantsu To Kao involves putting panties which are several sizes too small over someone's face so that they squish the nose, Shokku-shu kei involves tentacles, and Unagi (eels) may quite possibly no longer be my favourite Japanese dish.
People who know me should not be surprised that my favourite entries in The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles are the ones that involve really bad puns (on Hollywood movie titles). To this effect, I offer you "Big Trouble In Little Vagina" and "Sperms Of Endearment". However, I acknowledge that some people may find more esoteric joys in "Let's Play Anal Twister", "Airtight Granny" and "Beyond The Valley Of The Ultra Milkmaids".
Alec once told me a Simpsons quote where Homer meets Billy Corgan at some rock festival. Billy says "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins". Homer says "Homer Simpson, smiling politely." The alternate title for this post should probably be "Michelle's Readers, Smiling Politely."
April 2, 2004
Do You Want Fries With That?
Given my recent tendency to make posts which embarrass my long-suffering boyfriend with their indecency, I put a lot of thought into writing an entry which was the very soul of propriety and restraint. But then I checked my referral logs and found I was number 2 on the Internet for, er, this.
March 31, 2004
A Rose By Any Other Name
An excerpt from a rather wide-ranging thread at ILE:
We say "intimate feminine area" these days, or at least the adverts for Vagilast Soothing Cream do.
-- Sarah, March 15th, 2004.
surely the name vagilast defeats that
-- strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.
though i'm not sure "vagisil" is any better
-- strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.
it does make me think of genitals with a place to store your books and knick knacks
-- strongo hulkington, March 15th, 2004.
January 16, 2004
Freudian Slit
Tamara posted the following comment in response to this entry at Little Yellow Different:
"Something similar happened when I went back to Singapore and tried to ask for "more chilli" in Chinese [after not speaking any in 2 years]. The mandrin is "lah jiao", but I came up with "lan jiao", Hokkien for dick, thereby begging the nice hawker stall lady for more dick. Nice."
Bursting out in laughter in a quiet law library is rather embarrassing, as is walking down the hill to the bus stop later unable to keep one side of your mouth or the other from quirking upwards as you try to keep the broad grin off your face. In the first situation you either appear inconsiderate and attention-seeking, or just the weird person with no inner monologue who everyone else avoids unless they are unfortunately assigned to the same project group. In the second situation you either look lecherous, tic-laden or capable of inspiring New Paper (a Singapore tabloid) articles on Elvis living in Kent Ridge.
Note to self: remind Alec when he comes to Singapore that if he ever wants to order steamed chicken rice rather than roast, the correct term is "bai ji" (white chicken). Getting the words mixed up and asking for "ji bai" with an ang mor accent has great potential for disaster.
So anyway, thanks for that, Tamara. I'll think of you the next time I feel tempted to appear like a total nutcase to the public at large.